by My Lawyer Hal
ON SATURDAY, January 5, 2013, our Grand Ole state Party embraced its tradition of competent, reasonable leadership in our election of Ed Martin as chairman. While selecting Chairman Ed promises to stave off the fiery damnation of our children’s souls (at least for a while), God is calling us to go even farther: We must anoint Ed Eternal Emperor of the Missouri Republican Party, peace be upon Him.
Dare we refuse this elevated station to a man who, after enduring repeated vicious, embarrassing beatings, continues to return for more vicious, embarrassing beatings (in real elections)? After all, given Ed’s body of work, the fact that he continues to seek office must mean that he possesses what Brian Nieves might refer to as “¡huevos muchos grandes!” And aren’t those exactly what we need?!
Last year Ed proved that he could deliver stunning results for our statewide elected candidates as our Victory Committee Chairman, while simultaneously campaigning for Attorney General in a decommissioned ambulance. Impressive! It is true that under Ed’s leadership, almost all of our statewide candidates lost in 2012. But if Ed becomes our party’s Eternal Emperor, we can ALL enjoy that much success…FOREVER! Let us resolve to transfigure Ed himself into our communal emergency vehicle!
Ed’s critics deride him as an incompetent clown who disregards laws to suit his own interests. As a serial political loser and shameless partisan hack. As the cause of numerous, costly political and governmental failures and scandals. SO WHAT? Ed serves as an inspiration for all people who selfishly pursue distinctions & offices of which they are woefully undeserving & for which they are totally unqualified. What a guy! Please help me anoint Ed Martin our Eternal Emperor. Or at least nominate him for Governor in 2016 (wait your turn Eric Schmitt, you lanky dork). Because, as our chairmanship vote proudly bellowed, Ed is the very best of us.
Your Lawyer Hal can be reached by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org or on twitter @mylawyerhal.