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This Week in Missouri Politics Column: Boy do we ever need that wall 

There is a national epidemic that is now affecting us here in Missouri. 

Foreigners coming across the river, harassing Missourians 

Costing Missouri taxpayers thousands of dollars a day. 

Forcing Missouri schools to cut back on things they need to educate our children to pay for the burdens these uninvited aliens cause. 

Now let me tell ya, these are some bad hombres too. Sex perverts, weirdos, real sick freaks. 

Of course, I’m talking about the foreign lawyers from the East Coast crossing the Mississippi to sue Missourians. 

These soft hands, uppity folks from the east, this time, call themselves the “Southeastern Legal Foundation,” but they are all the same. Entitled, know-it-all, just oozing condescension toward anything and anyone from the Midwest. 

As I understand it, they are still trying to find out exactly where these sleazebags crossed the border so they can increase the patrols, but I reckon it was near Lambert in St. Louis County. Are you really surprised?

This time the East Coast lawyer infestation is suing Missouri’s public schools. Look, our schools have taken a few lumps lately. 

Some they had coming, and some … well, some were just suburban politicians playing kiss ass to charter school lobbyists. 

But one phrase that no true son of Missourah has ever uttered is, “Damn we really need an East Coast lawyer to come here and file some frivolous lawsuits.”

In fact, here is some simple hillbilly common sense free of charge. 

You know how a hillbilly can smell the bullshit rolling off a big city lawyer’s breath when he is talking about education reform? 

He never has the balls to mention a charter school when he is railing about liberalism in public education. 

Write it down; it won’t steer you crooked. 

But back to the foreigners. Sit a spell, and I’ll explain their racket for ya.  

So first, the big East Coast non-profit raises money by emailing rich East Coast saps that they are fighting for whatever buzz words are trending on Twitter that day. 

Then they look for a state that might not have enough money to put up too big of a fight so they can claim victory over the poor Midwestern rubes, so they can “enlighten” us.

Then they email their donors back east and say, “Look what we took your East Coast money and did for these poor ignorant folks … now give us more money.” 

Now let’s see how this racket works out for a regular Missourah guy who doesn’t have a Twitter account to know what buzz words he needs foreign lawyers fighting for him over.

If you’re a guy swinging a hammer in, say Carthage, this afternoon, you probably went to Carthage High School. Your kids are Carthage Tigers just like you were, and you pay property taxes, probably more than you’d prefer to, to keep Carthage High School the same place it was when you and your wife went there.

You know Nathan Terry from the water company who is on the board and he is a good dude. The board president is Niki Cloud, who works at the Meat Processors Association, hardly a bastion of communist infiltrators, and they do a decent job of minding the school as far as you’re concerned. 

Then some pack of foreigners from the east invades and starts suing the school in order to “enlighten” this Carthage High School alumnus. 

So the school has to spend this guy’s tax dollars defending the school from the East Coast foreigners who are suing the Carthage Tigers so they can in turn bleed more money from their East Coast donors. 

That money the school has to waste on the frivolous lawsuit is money they can’t spend on teachers, new football helmets, chalkboards, or whatever.

If it gets bad enough, then they have to go ask the guy swinging that hammer for a few more dollars to spend on the things they could have afforded before the East Coast lawyers came to “enlighten” him. 

Now, how many more hours out in the July heat do you think this ol’ boy wants to work to pay for this ridiculous game so some soft handed East Coast lawyer can “enlighten” him?

Now the Southeastern Legal Foundation … well these fellas are a real special kind of scumbag. 

The feller that used to run it, Matthew Glavin, had a fetish for … well how do I write this on something my mama might read … well he liked to cut holes in the stalls of public bathrooms in the Chattahoochee River State Park and perform oral acts on other fellers who would stick their privates through the holes. 

I ain’t kidding ya. If your kids can’t see your screen you can read about it by clicking here. 

He finally got caught doing this, and what did the folks at the Southeastern Legal Foundation do? Well … nothing. 

Do you think the Meat Processing Association would sit quietly if Mrs. Cloud was pulling some nonsense like that in a public bathroom where kids could walk in?

Well, they caught this weirdo again doing what the Urban Dictionary describes as “hosting a glory hole” and he left, but you have to assume the culture of sickos and freaks still remains. 

This Southeastern Legal Foundation pack of vermin have already made it across the border and are here in Missouri and are apparently coming back to Boone County again for one of their lawsuits. 

Word to the wise: Keep an eye on your kids when these freaks come to Missourah, and if you see a hole cut into a bathroom stall at the Boone County Courthouse, for God’s sake don’t look through it. 

You might wind up seeing more of the Southeastern Legal Foundation than any Missourian should ever be subjected to, or even get your eye poked. 

Now, who invited this crop of freaks to our state in the first place? When I think of freaks and perverts in state gubment, well like y’all I think about everyone’s favorite lil pervert Eric Greitens, and some of the folks around him. 

Well, I reckon I’ve come to know who brought these sickos to Missourah and asked them to be around our school kids, and I’ll write about it next week. I doubt it will surprise you. 

Why, I reckon when he finds out the full story behind these clowns our Attorney General Eric Schmitt will run these crop perverts clean out of Missourah — or at least he will sue them a few dozen times apiece.  

No one who associates with these foreign lawyers has a right to call himself a true son of Missoruah.

The Southeastern Legal Foundation is just modern-day Jayhawkers. The only difference is that invaded from the east instead of the west. 

And did you know the leader of the Jayhawkers, General and ironically U.S. Senator James Henry Lane … was a lawyer, too? 

Be sure to watch “This Week in Missouri Politics” Sunday morning where our featured guest will be Mark Alford.